


Envy

by Straya



Category: Tales of Zestiria
Genre: Angst, Brief Depiction of M/F Sex, F/M, Masturbation, One-Sided Attraction, Rose/An unnamed fling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 08:36:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13900320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straya/pseuds/Straya
Summary: Always a step behind her, always chasing after her, Dezel has spent more than a year as Rose's lone guardian seraph. He loves her, yet knows he will never have the opportunity to earn her affection.Early one morning, Dezel finds himself forced to fully confront and accept the truth as he succumbs to satisfying certain personal needs.





	Envy

**Author's Note:**

> I marked this story as Dezel/Rose to be on the safe side, despite it portraying the relationship as purely one-sided, and the idea of it was something that my DezeRose partner-in-crime Sol and I have discussed previously. Though some of what's discussed in this short one-shot is headcanon, it's based on what we know from canon - that Dezel was in love with Rose in the romantic sense, yet he had somehow decided to choose pursuing revenge over earning her affection. We often found ourselves asking why this ended up being the case for Dezel, even when the opportunity to pursue a possible relationship with Rose presented itself. Why, at that point, was revenge his only end goal? Why did he make the mistake of choosing it over her? At what point did his heart become so hardened that he could no longer acknowledge any other possibility? This is my attempt to answer those questions.

The sounds were impossible to block out. The moaning and gasping, the sound of the wooden bed frame hedging up against the stone wall behind it with every raw, desperate push. Even in stilling the air currents, he could still imagine the scene all too easily in his mind. The man of the pair on top, the legs of his partner for the night wrapped around his waist as he thrust into her again and again. She clawed at his back, earning more grunts and a curse as she left him several marks to remember her by for days to come. It was a rough session, just as she often liked it. 

Dezel crouched just outside the door to the small room that served as Rose's private quarters within the ruins. Unseen, unheard, he remained on guard while his vessel enjoyed a round with a faithful client – an ally with benefits as some might call him. The man was not a particularly impressive individual, neither in stature nor in manners as far as Dezel was concerned, but Rose seemed to like him well enough. Or at least enough to invite him to bed once in a great while when she was feeling particularly starved for a good time. It was occassionally whispered among the rest that this fellow probably hoped to one day make her his wife, but everyone knew that would never be, Dezel especially. The leader of the Sparrowfeathers and the Scattered Bones was not so easily tied down and never tamed. She was as wild as the wind, itself.

And that was part of why Dezel loved her. Loved her more than any of these foolish humans who were granted these rare and wonderful opportunities.

Yet, despite Rose's natural resonance, she could not see her guardian seraph. No, he was as invisible to her as he was to the rest. He never wavered however, no matter how much disappointment he felt. No matter how many ended up sleeping with his vessel. Rather, he remained dutifully resigned to his fate as her invisible guard, even on these particularly trying nights when he'd have to sit and listen to the bed creak while yet another tried their best to satisfy Rose's appetite for fun and pleasure.

The gasps from inside the room were quickly turning to cries for more. Dezel gritted his sharp teeth and shut his blind eyes tightly before hunkering further down and finally clapping his gloved hands over his ears. He couldn't bear it this time, the outcry that usually came with release. Didn't want to know that tonight's fling had actually managed to bring Rose a degree of satisfaction.

The cries would die down shortly, he told himself, and then their guest would be on his way. Rarely did any of Rose's visitors stay until dawn, which Dezel was incredibly thankful for. Then he could slip back inside his vessel and reclaim his place, enjoying the safety and warmth Rose's core being provided. Sleep would come after for them both, even if he technically did not need it, bringing some much needed rest, peace and quiet.

* * *

Dezel jolted awake within Rose, overcome with sudden desire. With a rush of embarrassment and panic, he realized he'd been dreaming of laying with her as her last lover had mere hours before. Fearful that his restlessness and impure thoughts would somehow disturb or even wake Rose from slumber, Dezel slipped out of her and re-manifested a few feet from the bed.

The room was dark and quiet, save for Rose's deep breathing as she slept. The ruins around them were still, save for the occasional stirring of air currents on Dezel's part as he checked nearby halls and quarters. The others slept, still, only a few awake as they stood guard at their posts.

_Go back to sleep, idiot_ , he told himself with a low huff. _It was a dream. Nothing more._

However, it seemed his physical form had other plans. A quick feel about his groin area confirmed the problem and Dezel growled in frustration. Certainly this wasn't the first time this had happened, but most of the time he managed to ignore the problem, tamping his desires down and shoving his lustful thoughts aside until the issue resolved itself. Looking after Rose was more important than satisfying himself, after all. 

A sudden sound behind him sent a shiver up his spine and Dezel whirled about, clouded eyes wide and staring into the darkness. Rose stirred a little in her sleep, then moaned softly again. 

Oh holy hell, was she dreaming about another romp of her own? Had her inner needs set Dezel off and caused his current problem, or had it been the other way around? Was either even possible at all or was it just some ridiculous coincidence?

A third groan and Dezel realized there was no avoiding his needs this time. After more than a year of playing Rose's lone, faithful guardian, he was finally cracking. He rubbed at himself and bit back a low moan of his own. 

He needed to get out of there and quickly. Rose's block on her resonance rarely ever lifted for more than a glimpse of Dezel once in a blue moon, but he couldn't risk it happening now. Not for anything.

Guilt consumed him as he vanished in a quick breath of air, exiting the room via the crack beneath the makeshift door and breezing down the hallway past the guard. Diving deeper into the ruins, sliding through crevices in the walls and avoiding any bare hints of Malevolence that hung about, Dezel sought a place to hide where no one, not even a wandering rodent, would be able to find him. A small chamber deep below ground and off one of the side access corridors provided the refuge he required, pitch black and sealed off, save for the crack in the wall that allowed him access.

Retaking his physical form, Dezel crouched down and began to undo his pants while forcing himself to ignore the stale air around him. He removed his gloves next, hastily stuffing both into his jacket pockets before that too came off. Setting those aside with his hat on top, he rolled his sleeves up a couple of times before turning his full attention to pulling his undergarments down.

Relief washed over him as he finally finished freeing himself from the confines of his pants. Yet, if he was going to do this, he knew he best get the job done and then get back to his post. Lifting his right hand to his mouth, he licked his palm thoroughly, then spit into it a couple of times for good measure before taking his erection in hand. Then, slowly, he began to fondle himself, feeling over his own length as he worked himself further up.

Eyes half lidded in the darkness, Dezel did what he could to overcome the feeling of guilt that threatened to ruin the moment. He was allowed to have time to himself once in a while, wasn't he? Yet this was at the expense of his duty to Rose. To his vessel. While he was pleasuring himself, she was still asleep in her room, guarded only by the one masked assassin in the outside hallway.

And did he really have a right to do this at all, especially when he'd become aroused in the first place because of Rose? It was disgusting, really. The kind of activity a creep would carry out in private as he lusted after the object of his affection like some damn stalker. Was that what he was becoming? Just more foul garbage like the men who continually sought a place in bed alongside Rose, even if only for a night to satisfy their primal urges?

...yet was it wrong to be in love? Wasn't it natural to want what one couldn't have at times? To dream about having that one thing or that one person, even if it was so far out of reach that it could never become a reality?

As he continued to stimulate himself, Dezel couldn't help but let his mind wander a bit, hungry for the affection he would never know. Maybe it was awful. Maybe he was nothing but a creep. But what if Rose knew him? What if she could see and hear him? Would he eventually have the chance her allies with benefits were sometimes granted?

No. No, Dezel wanted more than that. More than just the sex. Burying himself in her, knowing her warmth, being the reason she groaned and clawed at the sheets would be wonderful, but it wasn't all he wished for. Rose wasn't just some nice lay that could be had in a night.

Blind though he was, the wind seraph wanted to feel the weight of her gaze on him. For her not just to see him, but to truly _look at him_ with those beautiful eyes and feel something for him. For there to be a softness in her expression that only he know. He couldn't help but imagine what it might be like to have her hands on him, to feel her fingertips gently trailing along his jaw. For her arms to wrap around his waist, her head resting against his chest, her breath warm on his skin...

Dezel gasped and leaned against the near wall with his other arm, eyes closing tightly as he stroked himself with greater fervency. He was starting to pant a little, free hand clenching against the stone. 

Gods, he was so _lonely._ For more than a year, he'd lived among humans as a ghost, unseen and unheard, wallowing in sorrow, and having little more than revenge and protecting his vessel to live for. Was it really so wrong to be in love and to want it in return?

“Rose...” Her name slipped out as a quiet sob, the corners of Dezel's eyes stinging as he rapidly approached the edge. 

Even if she could perceive him, there was no guarantee she'd love or want him, and despite his ability to possess and influence her toward his agenda for revenge, Dezel had long ago promised himself he'd never use her for anything else. Not for himself, not like this. If she couldn't love him on her own, it wasn't love worth having.

And it was unlikely she'd ever want him, anyway. He was a seraph, after all. Not a human. Not someone she could introduce to others, someone she could readily date, someone who could give her a family.

In fact, after all he'd done and all he still planned to do, she'd probably hate him. And rightfully so.

Somewhere between sorrow, shame, self-loathing and deep want that he knew would never be truly answered, Dezel finally managed to come, his heat spilling out over the floor in front of him. Slumping down against the wall, one hand still massaging his length as his hips quivered and his toes curled in his boots, Dezel sobbed brokenly as he got what he could out of his fading climax.

Disgusting...and _pathetic._ What a miserable pile of garbage he'd become. That he ever even fantasized about earning Rose's love was preposterous. She deserved better than him.

It was then and there, as he sat recovering in the darkness, that Dezel knew this would have to be the first and last time that he allowed himself the luxury of self pleasure, especially with Rose in mind. Craving her affection was so utterly useless. Earning it was a goal he could never achieve, so why bother? He needed to harden his heart and redouble his efforts on the one goal he could actually manage – taking revenge for Lafarga, Brad and for the good name of the Windriders. Of Dezel's two wants, it was the only one within reach. 

And given the emptiness of his life, it would have to be his main reason for going on.

Certainly he would continue to protect Rose. He needed her for his plan and he did care deeply for her, but he couldn't let his useless feelings interfere with his final goal, even if said goal ended up destroying him.

What did he have to live for beyond that, anyway? Nothing.

He was tired. And he was hurting. And he was alone. And nothing about that would ever change. Maybe with achieving revenge, all of that would finally stop and he'd know peace, even if it was in eternal silence and darkness.

Slowly, Dezel got up and cleaned himself up with a cloth he kept in one pocket for cleaning his pendulums, then tucked himself back into his pants and pulled his jacket, gloves and hat back on. The small room he stood in reeked of lust and stagnant air, causing him to wrinkle his nose and wretch a little before he finally took his leave. 

He would never return to that little hiding place. He would never succumb to the urge to get off like that again. And while he would always envy anyone who lay with Rose from then on, he would turn away and know that he was worth less than any one night stand. Even if he became aroused somehow, he would use his self-loathing to force it back down. 

The corridors above ground were quiet upon Dezel's return, sunrise still another hour or so away. Rose was still asleep in bed, breathing deep and quiet as she lay on her left side. Kneeling at her bedside, Dezel used his left hand to carefully brush a few strands of auburn hair from her face. She stirred briefly and turned her head so that her cheek rested against his palm. Against his better judgment, Dezel used his thumb to gently stroke her cheek. Fortunately, she did not wake. She was as oblivious to him as she always was and always would be.

Then he was gone, shedding his physical form to vanish back inside her again. It was the closest he'd ever come to being with her and that would have to be enough.


End file.
